I get questions about my son’s heartbeat print very often on my Instagram feed. I decided there is no time like the present to open up and talk about it. Although this may seem like just a great black and white design choice (which it is) this heartbeat has so much meaning to me on a personal level.
We have had quite the journey getting our babies here from heaven. My first pregnancy about 8 years ago ended in heartache, at about ten weeks into my gestation. It was our first baby and we were so excited when we found out we were expecting! I had already spent so many nights laying in my bed imagining what this little person growing inside of me would grow up to be like. Moms totally get this, even though you just found out your pregnant, like, yesterday, you are already so attached to the person you are basically planning their future weddings in your head! Sadly, when we got to our appointment, I laid on the table holding my husband’s hand in mine waiting for the little blurry picture on the screen to blink. “Where is the heartbeat?”
I thought to myself as I noticed the look of concern come over the doctor’s face. He took a few minutes to be sure, but then told us that our baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at about 8 weeks. We were devastated. The days that followed were some of the darkest of my life. I wondered what I had done wrong and why my body had failed me. Fortunately, a few months later we found out we were expecting again. Needless to say I was terrified this would happen again but luckily this time it stuck and we had our daughter Peighton. So when we went to try for our second baby a few years later I assumed it would happen quickly and that my miscarriage had just been a “normal” thing that happens to 1 in 4 women. Months passed by in our “trying” faze and we were still not pregnant. Being a natural worrier, I started to worry. I made an appointment with my OB after we had been trying for a year. He immediately put me on chlomid and assured me that everything looked fine and this should work. I tried this for three months and all I got was 15 extra pounds and hormones that made me feel INSANE. Honestly, this was the craziest I had ever felt in my whole life. I was crying all the time and so so anxious. I hated chlomid. This does not happen to everyone, but for me this medicine was terrible and still didn’t help me get pregnant. I waited another few months hopeful that I still might get pregnant on my own and my hormones went back to normal. I was feeling like myself again, but still not pregnant. It had been two years of trying and my heart was aching. Well, that is an understatement, it was dying. I felt like the mom part of me could not survive this. Listen, I know I already had my beautiful perfect daughter, but in some ways that only made it worse. I wanted this, not only for myself but for her too. I wanted her to get to be a big sister. All of her friends had this and I ached for it for her. My husband was stronger then me and knew it would happen but I could see the pain on his face each month when the tests were negative. I must have taken hundreds of pregnancy test ALL NEGATIVE! The natural next step was to go to a Fertilty specialist. They ran all the tests and everything seemed fine. They suggested IUI (inter uterine insemination) and we gladly started the process. The next 6 months were filled with lots of shots that I had to give to my self. Lots of sperm deposits (bahahaha) that had to be made at the doctor’s office and lots of hope. Hope that the doctors would help us grow our family the way they knew they could. Each month they would leave us with the kindest most sincere reassurance that this time it would work. Despite their best efforts and lots of our hard earned money later, we were still not pregnant. It was November and Christmas was coming so we made the decision to take the month off so as not to ruin Christmas with all of the worrying. I was defeated. I knew my Heavenly Father had a plan for our family, I even knew that I would have more kids. I just wanted it now. Wasn’t three years a long enough wait? I decided to put it completely in God’s hands and to try and move forward. That was easier said then done for me because I am an impatient control freak! I did however reflect on all this trial had taught me so far and counted my self a better person for having experienced it. January came and I noticed I hadn’t started my period, but seeing as how I had been late before and was not pregnant I was not dumb enough to think it was because I was actually pregnant. So I ignored it until I could not ignore it anymore. I snuck out and bought a test. I came home after a big family dinner on a Sunday and snuck into the bathroom to find out once and for all … three minutes seemed like a hundred years as I let myself wonder if this was actually happening. There across the tiny screen was a little pink plus sign. I let out a scream that I could not control. The scream turned into a sob as my husband ran into our room to find me in a ball on the floor clinging to my pee test! I made him go by 10 more to make sure this was actually happening, come to think of it maybe I should have framed one of them in my kids room;).
The next day we made our first ultrasound appointment with our fertility doctor. We went in together and as my husband held my hand, there it was, the blinking gray light. It had a heartbeat. My baby had a heartbeat. We told our daughter that day that she was going to be a big sister. We went back every week for the first ten weeks and every time I heard that heartbeat, tears would form and I would thank my Heavenly Father for this miracle. The heartbeat was a symbol of hope and pure joy for me. About half way through the pregnancy I decided I would make my doctor print me one off so I could hang it in his nursery. Every time I walk past his room I am reminded what a blessing each of my children are to me and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I never take getting to be their mom for granted. I know what life was like with out them and I like it much better with each of them here. Sometimes interior design means so much for me than just a pretty picture hung on a wall.